The world of dreams I had known as a small girl, evaporated as time and hardships wore, growing up with little money, and a father often out of a job, left little to the imagination, and the gravity of our hardships, played out in listening to parents fight over finances, and the constant reality of not being able to pay the bills...so I began finding ways to earn a little income,  to buy the gum,  toy,  whatever,  I would sell peacock feathers, cart peaches in the hot summer sun,( that one was tough, I got a rash so bad I itched for days!) Until  I was at an age  to be old enough to babysit.

Babysitting proved to a viable source of income to a twelve year old, and I had grown to be quite reputable, I liked playing with the kids, and I felt rich! It was here that my first true glimpse at how evil the hearts of man can be, and in this glimpse a little girl faded into the background, and a bitter untrusting heart formed.

My Girlfriend and I had been doubling up on babysitting jobs,  and when there was more than one child involved we actually worked really well together, but we were an inseparable pair her and I, and so it was just natural for us to work together.  She had heard of a bachelor who wanted a sitter a few days a week, and since it was Summer,we were set.

I remember it was about 2 A.M. when I woke up to a drunken bachelor and his barroom girlfriend, coming through the door. Snuggled next to my friend in the living room, I closed my eyes tighter and tried to fall back to sleep, but I still could hear the muffled whispers and to this day recall the pin-pricks of fear as they came against my skin,...

Pressed down with his hands firmly grasping mine, I began to endure the hardest hours of my life,  and with terror,  my friends as well, as our muffled cries, and the pain of stolen innocence wracked the night.  The following day was an absolute agony, as we endured physical and emotional pain, threats, and the like,  and having seen the evil we now knew, there was little doubt in our young heads, of this mans capacity to harm us, or our families.

So we went home silent,each one promising the other to never say a word, to protect ourselves and to protect our families, but inside, the scars were deep, raw, and festering.

Only a victim of sexual abuse and rape can perceive to the depths,how it scars you, changes the makeup of who you are, makes you vulnerable in some ways and hard as flint in others...and at 12 years old, I became a withdrawn , hard, hurting little girl, who forgot her song.

At seventeen, I had dated a few boys, but always with a sense of weariness, anger and disdain, I had been from one gambit to another trying to find fulfillment, and cover the ache, I went from the peppy cheerleader, playing that role, to the withdrawn closet druggie,  to the street dealer, stuffing Cocaine in my mouth to get a quick high, and then popping pills to numb anything that wasn't fixed by the coke. I drank excessively,  and I drugged excessively, everyday challenging God to kill me, throwing out insults to him, provoking him in everyway I could, This was as far as I was concerned, His fault , He could have saved me, and He didn't, what kind of God was He? I hated Him.

As my facades began to crumble, and my life as I knew it unwind, thoughts of suicide began to run across my mind, it was easy , f ast, and with all the drugs I was privy to, fairly Painless... So I prayed an odd, angry spit out prayer, which went something like this " God,if your real prove it, show me!! and if you do, I'll go to church-but if you don't tomorrow I am going to take every one of these pills, and I don't care where I go!" ( now understand that I had bottles upon bottles of pills, uppers, downers, things I didn't even have a clue what their purpose was , but enough to sufficiently kill an elephant let alone a 5'4 120 lb girl- my survival chances were Niel, and I was determined to do it.

That night I had a  wake up and see the Jesus moment in my life, and it was enough to send my feet running to church the following morning, and running to the alter! That year I Learned much of Gods grace, and love,  realizing that God had not "wanted "for me to go through this great pain, but, had seen me thru it, That God hadn't desired for me to be harmed, but that he could comfort me and give me peace, and use me in it....and as he began to talk to me, heal my wounds, he also began to speak to me of a hope and a plan for my life....a Calling. **

I married my high-school sweetheart shortly thereafter at 18 yrs of age- Though he was no longer in school he was the boy I had dated the past year, and subtly, slowly, I began to realize that the things God breathed into my heart would have to wait, the demands of a husband and raising a family slowly nudged the one real dream left in my heart, into a corner- ministry.

Ironically, two sweethearts in school, are inanely unprepared for life as Husband and wife, and as I poured myself into becoming the mother  and wife I envisioned as perfect, baking cookies, cleaning house, taking care of noses, and reading stories,  watching football games, and cooking dinner, I began to lose myself and make my identity my home, my spouse, and the demands of life. I never made it to perfect, I never came close, it seems the more the demands were put on me to be perfect, the more I began to feel drained, harried, and unfulfilled.
The fact that my spouse and I couldn't communicate added to years of discouragement, and the unhappiness of the hope I had to have a perfect home life, with respectful kids,  and an adoring husband,  hit cold hard reality daily. The last 10 years of my 26 yr marriage, were spent as two shadows walking through a hallway, and the depths to which I felt the loneliness, and ache of having my world crumble were almost beyond description. I virtually cried every single day many times a day, and that is how I fell asleep each night. If I could describe the despair I felt as a Godly woman, living with a  man who was nothing more than a ghost in your life, wanting to feel love,  affection ,  attention, and receiving, none.

Wanting to be accepted,valued, and appreciated,  and receiving, if anything rejection, and worse disdain.

Did I do all I could do? well , in my eyes yes, and in my eyes , No- I full well realize that I made mistakes, contributed to the distance,  via my reactions etc..  However, having been judged harshly I will say this in my defense,Christians  tend to devaluate everyone's troubles, while we magnify our own,  so while we endure things perhaps not as hard at the time,we have the tendency to underscore what another maybe going thru, and even band-aid it with a few  scriptures, well thought intentions, and essentially meaningless words. What I knew to the depths is , it didn't matter how much work I invested into "fixing " our problems, if your spouse doesn't want to help,change or fix anything with you, your paddling in circles with a broken ore, Yes, I went to counseling, read books, talked to Pastors, and prayed HARD.  Still I faced a constant understanding that, because our lives had become a shadow, the day would come, when he  would walk out the door, it came, and  I thought with Him,went my Joy..BUT GOD is the giver of our joy, and our help in ever present trouble.......

 I had a dream one night, and God spoke to me in it- He had told me 3 years prior, that this was going to happen, that I would have my Isaac moment, a time when he would ask a sacrifice, I nonchalantly said, "Ok God,  I will follow you- do your will no matter what comes"...How often do we hear a word from God,  and not fall on our knees to ponder before we answer? ah The answer would still have been the same,  but, the price was far heavier than I could have realized, I lost my spouse, my security,  my home,  my finances,  my health,  my position as a respected Godly woman and leader, my church, virtually every comfort and familiarity I had ever known, in one fell swoop.

BUT GOD continued to talk to me, proving by His Word, who I could turn to, rely on, and be strengthened by! Moving his Spirit over my heart, to provide warmth and comfort when there were no arms to hold me, I leaned into him as never before, I snuggled  into the presence of one who  would never deceive me, forsake me, or leave me for another. I read His words and they became food to my body, my heart, my soul. He brought forward my calling with a resounding message, and every time I tried to place it into the background, he would put a message, a word, a person in front of me - so that I couldn't ignore what he was saying ...

Now then, Church, heed this as its a message from my heart, ( and for that matter, is a message of redemption to) Ironically while we will use people in the body, who have been saved from alcoholism, drug addiction, and a 1000 foot line of criminal offenses, we will not use a person in ministry who's divorced as readily. This is a message,  to those whom are divorced  and it says, "Because your going through something we can't eliminate with a prayer, and a quick change, your no longer as redeemed, no longer as forgiven, no longer as Christlike as you once were" and further there is a subtle acknowledgement that if you were to re-marry, you'd be more readily accepted into ministry. Let me illuminate you for a second, Pastors and laymen, friends and family, I am not of value because of what you think, nor am I of value because of what the World thinks, but I am of value, because God loves me, spilled his blood for me,and because He treasures me!!

 People judge, with good intentions, and offer witty advice ,BUT GOD alone can convict, cleanse and change!

I come Humbly before God, Knowing I am a ragamuffin, unworthy of his great love, yet awed that he still chooses to love me. I extend grace , because I have been given grace. And that my friends, is what the church should be doing!

Some of the things that are sorely neglected in those single people in your church are things often forgotten, there is the widower, who grieves deeply when the guest have gone home,when everyone has moved forward in their day to day, a widowers life is grinding through the day in slow motion, simply trying to survive the day without the  deeply set grief. How do I know? because Divorce is death to. just in our case, the partner in our life,moves in another direction and we are still left with aftermath and grieving. I went through day after day in survival mode, nodding my head at the endless suggestions others had on how I needed to cope, amazing that the advice is often there, but stunned at the ignorance behind some of the reasoning- advice is easy,but helping the hurting, well that requires more..will you be more? See, a person going through loss ,and grief is lonely beyond words,surrounded by the echo of four walls, at times I felt like I would go mad,having only myself to talk to. Now I am thankful for those friends who helped me in these times, but they weren't there 24 /7 and nor could any one be.  Yet, the  nights were insufferably long. Some of the comments made to me during these times, were now, funny, but bordered the ridiculous at times. "It will be good for you to be alone"  How in the world it is good to face silence and loneliness?  I do not know, but some people truly believe it is.Now then I do believe a certain amount is necessary in grieving, however, 24/7 seven days a week, can pull at the soundest mind, and drain a heart of tears, in rapid order. I wondered at these statements and even replied to them , How can it be good for me to be alone all the time..."well, you need time to think, ( time by the way , is what I had to much of) besides, I have gone a few weekends without my husband  and actually had fun and enjoyed it!" Friends,this is ignorance! the difference in surviving a few days without the husband is knowing he will come back home, but for a single divorced or widowed person, you are faced with the painful reality there is no one coming home to you. You wont be talking to them on the phone checking in with each other, you wont be planning out the days when he is home. You are fully alone, not just for a time, all the time! Rather than use a band-aid statement to those in a grieving place, come over to their house and watch a movie, go out for hot fudge sundaes, ask them over for dinner,include them in normalcy. Don't give them quaint advice, because they have a plethora of advice from all directions, but if you really want to help, share your life.

Another thing that is quite common is this- We(those of us in emotionaly single limbo land) do talk about the divorce a lot,frankly we need to-we don't really need advice, we need ears..again advice we have in spades.What we need at times in a place of grieving, is simply to cry and stomp and have all those thoughts out..once outed, we can mull it over 2-3 hundred times, forgive us, and let us ...whether widowed or divorced we need to talk it out, we need to say, I miss this, I hate that....I am angry over this, I am hurt over that..hang in there, nod your head, and from the bottom of our momentarily selfish hearts, thank you and bless you!!!

I had a wonderful friend named Shirley, who offered me a home and a jacuzzi tub when I was in a tough spot during my separation, she was the example of all ears, she would only at the most random times, and only if I had asked specific, offer a thought or suggestion, she was two ears no mouth, but when she was mouth, she offered me wisdom and insight, and was the epitome of  a Godly woman, Thank you  my beautiful friend Shirley.

Two other friends,Dale and Ruth,offered me coffee visits, and hot fudge sundae at midnight, they kept me laughing and allowed me to ponder aloud endlessly..Thank you  dear friends. My girlfriend Kim left me the keys to her home, so that I always had a ready escape if needed. Her and her husband Dave, bought me a candy bouquet auctioned off at church, for a 100 dollar fee,during valentines weekend, so that I would not feel forgotten or unloved...See what I am saying here? They all promoted healing in me..

A dear friend and past beau,after my divorce- treated me to suppers, and gifts, and compliments and much needed ego boosts, and lifted me that way. Thank you Danial, in many ways you were a human calm in the storm.

God has distinctly laid some things on my heart,  and I will share this with you,  because your Gods favorite and he loves you., and I am all about hanging out with God's favorites, being one myself, pssst, did you know...
That God is coming for his BRIDE, and his BRIDE, is not ready? We have hidden in mediocrity, we've hunkered down into the comforts of religion, we've judged harshly those who're been going through immense pain and hardship,  and we've trampled them down that much further, we've forgotten grace,  and replaced it with Sunday morning "fellowship."

While we  sit in our favorite pew, we make no efforts to draw close, thinking about the pot roast, and the football game, or the Nascar races were missing, or the shopping we want to do, WE are lukewarm , and we wonder, actually wonder, why the church is dwindling, why , the gifts are not being used, why we feel so dry , and old, and cold , and tired! Hello ? Bride of Christ? Are you there? this is us people,we are the dry bones generation, and he wants to breathe life into his bride- Who wants a decrepit bride?  
  Bride, YOU are called to be Holy, as he is Holy!  The temple is a portable place because  GOD resides in YOUR heart... it starts as a place of worship, in YOUR day to day, in YOUR walk, in YOUR life, In YOUR Work! The temple is ALIVE!, The Outer Temple is much the same as the inner, It's not a social event in which  to sit around and  gossip, or tare down others, or check out the nice outfits. It's "YOUR job to prepare YOUR heart!!! It's not a place to irreverently laugh till it echoes though out the church as the worship leaders timidly try to draw YOU in, it's not their Job to make YOU comfy, Happy, moved, Its YOUR place to come Boldly before the thrown of God, seeking HIS Face!  
Its a place  for YOU to stand in awe, to throw  YOUR arms up to Abba father , and with tear stained faces , see YOURSELF  before him, see Grace, see Mercy, see Gods Beauty, and then when YOU  go to church YOU come hungry, waiting, and expecting!

Its a place to get face down, realizing all YOU are  now, is because of all HE is, its a place to say , My Savior I love you, let me throw myself down , let me singe away all the stinks in me, until the only fragrance I smell is YOU GOD, in me, on me, surrounding me!  This is God's message church that- WE ARE THE BRIDE, and he is  in love with us!

 Shake the dust off our Crusty, musty ,old bones, Father God, Breathe in Us again, Your life giving spirit, into our bones,into our marrow, into our flesh, til all we are, is a living example of you God!

So this is my journey,  still healing day by day, but happily , returning to the little girl, dependant on her daddy, Looking into the lights of the heavens, and with great Joy and peace! Singing!!!!!!

Since the writing of this article, a great deal of blessings have come into my life, I met a wonderful supportive Godly man, who"s name is Robert and we were subsequently married August 30th! There in lies another story..... and I will share it with you another time.

I am still very much pursuing ministry, speaking and singing as I always have and its beginning to open up to me in really unexpected ways, pray for me as these doors open- I am going through an amazing journey with God, and each step leaves me breathless!!!